October 9th, 2007 8:47am

Well, here we are again. Blogging away. This blog has a new meaning. A new purpose if you would, for the NEW me. Have I changed so much? Not really. But the wheels are in motion. The change IS coming. I can feel it!

This is a place for me to express my dreams, thoughts, and desires. I also want to us this as a reference tool. How the hell can a blog be a reference tool? I'll give you one guess. HUSBAND. My is border line mentally ill. He has gobe from loving and caring to borderline abusive and sick all in one breath. I need something to show how he is. Maybe one day, when he is better, I can show him these blogs. Show him how he was. Show him the pain that I go through on a daily basis. If it ever came down to the point where my husband was unable to be a husband any longer, this blog will come in handy as well. If I document everything he says and does, than perhaps that will help me when it comes to the children.

I am sitting here at home, as my youngest daughter is on the couch sick. She has been up since 3am. Vomiting, diahhrea, and overall feeling like crud. My daughter is young, and she needs me. Recently, husband has fallen asleep while taken care of the kids. Actually, that's not true. It's not a recent thing. It's an ongoing issue. My daughter tried to wake her Dad up when she woke at 3. He didn't wake up, I heard her trying to wake him. He doesn't believe me, thinks I am full of it. Why would I lie about something like that? Oh yeah! Because according to him, I lie about everything.

So here it is, 5am. I need to go to work. I work from 6-3 Monday thru Friday (and usually Saturdays as well). My daughter has her head in the toilet, and I am stuck. She needs me. She needs her Momma. Not don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those "my baby hsa a hang nail and the world is over" moms. On the contrary. You fell? Get up! If you're not bleeding, you're ok. And that is coming from a mom of a child who spent most of thier infancy with doctors and in hospitals. Not this kid, the other kid. Confused yet??? I also WANT to be with my child. How crazy of me, I know! A mother wanting to be with her child sa she is ill. I have missed tons of sick days with my kids while I was working. This wasn't going to be one of them.

So around 5:30 I wake up my husband. He sleeps on the couch. Half because he needs to due to his back, and half because he's up all night on the computer. Anyhoo I wake him up. I know hes going to be pissed about me not going to work. I know, and i don;t care. I have made my decision. I wasn't looking for advice or his opinion, I was just letting him know. He had a trip planned with my older daughter's class. You go on the trip husband, and I will watch the youngest.

Then all hell broke loose.

The cursing, and the yelling. Did I mention that it's 5:30am? Did I mention that my youngest daughter, just fresh off the toilet, is in the next room and can hear him yelling. Shit dude, please. He sat there with his comments. You always do this. You always have excuses. Just go to work. Then, I made a mistake. I told him how I felt. "I am sorry, but I don't feel as though you are 100% to take care of her at this time."

Once again, hell is in my living room.

"WHO HS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF THE KIDS WHEN THEY ARE SICK??? WHO HAS ALWAYS STAYED UP WITH THEM????"

Yes, he did. Yes, for years he would. Let's be honest. I am grateful that he was able to do that so I could sleep for work. Today though, it wasn't happening. He has been not his best, lots of pain, not sleeping. He was sick all last week with the same crud. And let's be brutally honest anyways. You were up motherfucker. You were up all night playing fucking warcraft and lineage. It's not as though you were losing sleep. RANT OVER!

I'm a bitch. According to him I am. I am also to get out. Get out of what? The house. This is what happens. I need to make sure everyone understands it. I am sitting here shaking and crying thinking about it. At this point he is saying over and over, and over again. GET OUT. FUCK YOU, GET OUT. Louder and louder. I am trying to ignore him. I wake up my oldest for school. I hold my youngest's hair as she runs to the bathroom to puke again. I am trying to ignore the 300 pound man yelling at me to leave my home. He could kick me out any time. I am scared. Oh God, I am so scared.

I try not to think about it. The emotion is a bit overwhelming right now. I am so afraid that I will go to work one day and they will be gone when I get home. And now that the money is coming in, he has that chance! The money coming in is for another blog, another time. He can physically pick me up and kick me out of my home, away from my girls. What the hell am I going to do?

I could say that he doesn't hit me, but that would be a lie. I could say that he isn't verbally and emotionally abusive. That would also be a lie. There are so many things I want to do in this world! I want to show him that I will be ok, with or without him. I want to give my girls the best life possible. And I would also like to be happy. Crazy talk, I know! I am praying every day for the strengh to make myself strong, and happy. Happy for them, happy for me. And NO. I am not a bible thumper. Finding God again is new for me. Babysteps. Thats what I am doing. babysteps.