So where do I begin? I'm still in the same situation with hubby. Scared and alone. My health has taken a crappy step backwards, and I am no longer. working. Each and every day is scary. Scared that I will die. Either from this illness, by my own hands, or the hands of him. It's a sad world where a woman who was once smart, pretty, and a world class bitch becomes "One of those" women. Do you know what I mean???
Probably not. Saying that I am alone in this mess is a gross understaement. He hits me. He verbally abuses me. Most times, the words hurt more than the pushes, shoves, and occasional punch. Who would believe that I would allow this to happen. After all, I'm the ice queen. Queen bitch. The enforcer. Nobody tells me what to do. Unless that person is a 300 pound gorilla with leverage. Big time leverage.
My children. What if I come home one day, and they are gone? What if I cannot protect them from him? The violence is only towards me. My children sit there, crying. He does this all in front of them! They sit there, begging Daddy to stop. Does he? No. He just goes on and on. And I sit there. Holding my babies. Telling them that everything is ok. It's not ok. I don't know if it will ever be ok. All I know is that this has to stop. I must do something!!!
So what do I do? Start over again? That's exactly what I will be doing. And the survival mode, which I have trained myself to live off of for so long. Live on the least amount of money possible. Save as much as possible. Train myself to kick his ass if necessary. Both with my fifts, and with my mind.
Tomorrow is another beginning for me. Sure, I have started over again too many times to count. This time, I MUST stick to my plans. This isn't about me anymore. My children. My children need their Mommy. They need stability. I brought them into this world, and it is my responsibility to make sure that they are taken care of. Come heaven or hell, my kids will be ok!
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